“And my kids, they don’t help either...” | Rodney Dangerfield

“What a doctor. I called him last week. I told him, ‘Doc, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.’ He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“With my wife, I got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom, wants to learn how to beg.” Think you have what it takes to riff with Rodney’s good friend, Jay Leno? Submit your best dog joke to the You Bet Your Life with Jay Leno Smart Dog Contest for your chance to take home $1000! Visit https://youbetyourlife.com/smartdog to enter. | Rodney Dangerfield

“Last week, I told my wife, ‘I need a home improvement loan.’ She gave me a thousand dollars to move out.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, I’m alright now, but last week, I was in rough shape. Last week, I told my wife, ‘I need a home improvement loan.’ She gave me a thousand dollars to move out.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“My neighborhood’s rough. Forget about it, will ya. In my neighborhood, they got signs all over, ‘Drive fast, the life you save may be your own.’” | Rodney Dangerfield